People who say that western celebrity culture is a wasteland of self-indulgent nonsense obviously never heard of the arm vagina. The issue was recently brought to the attention of the masses by renowned physiologist Jennifer Lawrence of SAG (the Screen Actors Guild). You see Ms. Lawrence had nothing better to do one day and so she decided to spend it studying her armpits in the mirror. After several hours of careful consideration, she made the momentous discovery that she, in fact, possessed two additional vagigis, one in each pit. The news rocked both the medical and scientific communities many of whom could scarcely believe they been slathering their bonus vaginas with deodorant every morning without being aware.
Whose Vagina is it Anyway?
The revelation by Jennifer Lawrence that many women have not one but three vaginas set off a firestorm of controversy and – in all seriousness – sent scores of women to plastic surgeons desperate to find a way to disguise, de-emphasize or even eliminate their newly discovered bonus vulvas. Others have booked sessions with their therapists to try and learn how to deal with the retroactive shame they feel now that they’ve discovered they’ve been walking around with only one of their vaginas covered in public. Still, other women, however, suspect that the whole thing may be nothing more than a side effect of marijuana being legalized in California.
“(Sssssssuup… pause… exhale… gaze into the mirror). Oh wow! Is that like, a vagina in my armpit?”
But whether it is an actual body part or nothing more than a figment of the stoner imagination the mere suggestion that women not only have excess vaginas, but that they’ve been exposing them to the world for years without realizing it, is enough to send polite society into a tizzy. It’s also, apparently, one reason why you’ve seen so many female celebrities posing for the paparazzi in recent years with their hands on their hips rather than at their sides. Because you see bringing those arms in and letting them dangle would expose these bonus vaginas to the world in the fold between the breast and the upper arm.
The problem with these new vulvas beyond the fact that many women are unwittingly flashing the world when they wear tank tops, tube tops and bathing suits is that they tend not to be as good for receiving things like penises as the standard issue vagina. It’s also raised a plethora of thorny gender identity issues because more than a few men who’ve heard about the proliferation of vulvas in the underarms have discovered that they possess them as well.
Just the Next Hot Body Part to Feel Ashamed of?
While most everyone is onboard with the proliferation of vaginas (except maybe a bunch of insecure guys), there are plenty of people who see it as just one more example of Hollywood dictating to the rest of us what we should and shouldn’t feel insecure about when it comes to our body, whether that’s stretch marks, cellulite or pit hair. (Or is that underarm pubic hair? It’s all so confusing.)
Shame on You Jennifer!
Instead of looking in the mirror and feeling like an exhibitionist many people believe it’s the blame game that should be given the reflection treatment. That is, it’s people like Ms. Lawrence who should be ashamed of themselves for insinuating that a perfectly natural occurrence in the armpit is somehow weird and/or shameful. After all, while celebrities aren’t nearly as cool or clever as they like to think they are they do nonetheless wield enormous power to influence in what is, like it or not, a celebrity-based culture. As such, Ms. Lawrence and other similarly inclined individuals should pay closer attention to what comes out of their mouths in public situations, especially regarding body parts. Unless of course, they want to foot the bill for the countless plastic surgeries and therapy sessions their words generate.
The Activist Response
Because celebrities wield such power, social activists believe the rank and file members of society need to organize to create a proportional response. The calculus is that every questionable celebrity utterance calls for a response from thousands of marchers and social media warriors. There should be a “Free the 3” march, a “Don’t shame my pits” march and perhaps a “Pit Walk” much like the now famous SlutWalks that occur in cities across the globe. Others, however, see this approach as potentially problematic since it could have the opposite effect of alerting millions of women who had never heard of the arm vagina to the issue. To these cautious types, it’s better to say nothing and hope it all blows over.
The Entrepreneurial Response
Of course, others see the rise of the arm vagina as an opportunity to cash in. Tattoo artists, in particular, have been doing buffo business with women who want to be in your oppressive face by having vaginas tattooed in or near their armpits. While the aforementioned plastic surgeons are not above touting their ability to rid you of your bonus vulvas by way of their surgical skills.
The Male Response
Setting aside for a moment the guys mentioned above who warily check their reflection to see if they too might be in possession of arm vaginas what has been the response from men in general? Of course, any guy with a brain and a soul will tell his lady that she’s beautiful just the way she is and not to listen to anyone who would star in a fiasco like “Passengers.” While other, less mature guys are getting plenty of yucks out of the whole situation and have even been spotted grouped together in bars seeing who can count the most arm vaginas. Guys.
What to Do?
The bottom line is that we’re with those who advise that you tune out celebrity advice or attempts at shaming and just go on about your life. After all, you didn’t make “Passengers”, so you definitely have a leg up on any Hollywood star in both the good taste and wisdom categories.