Medical history is littered with bad ideas that seemed perfectly reasonable to some people until it was revealed that they were really dumb and bound to either kill you or leave you in some sort of permanently compromised state. The lobotomy, trepanation, and bloodletting come to mind, along with the electrified belt for “weak men” that sent a jolt of electricity through their uncooperative cucumber that was supposed to cause it to snap to attention.
Speaking of cucumbers the latest health-related craze sweeping through the musty, damp basement of the Internet is a little ditty called the “Vaginal Facial” wherein a lady whose vag may not pass the sniff test with flying colors is advised to peel a cucumber, pretend it’s that obscure object of desire and root it around in her unsuspecting nether regions for 20 minutes. The idea seems to be that the cuke soaks up all those diabolical odors and leaves you feeling like a spring day in Paris has invaded your undies.
What Were They Thinking?
Now, we’re all aware that it’s 2017 and in 2017 social media rules the roost. While we have nothing against social media as a concept just about every day a brain cramp like the vaginal facial goes viral in the socialmediaverse and makes one pine just a bit for the days when access to the public airwaves was restricted. That said, the vaginal facial is here and begs to be dealt with quickly and clearly. So let’s ask and answer a simple question related to this latest feminine hygiene craze: “Should you ever clean your cooch with a cucumber?” Now get a pen and be sure to write down the upcoming answer. Ready? Okay. Here’s the answer: “No.”
Nothing else we’re going to say from here on out is going to in any way alter that answer so make sure you write it down and take it with you when you go out clubbing or to parties. That way when one of your friends approaches you and says “I read that I can clean my vajayjay thoroughly and naturally using a peeled cucumber. Do you think I should?” You can then reach into your bag, pull out the note you’ve just made and read it: “No.”
But Why Not?
Like we said the answer given above isn’t going to change but we will be happy to provide a bit of background on the “procedure” and why it’s the worst idea since the Mullet.
- Claim: Vaginas are dirty and need cleaning – The bloggers who have been championing the vagina facial set the stage for acceptance of their idea by posting a falsehood – your vagina is naturally dirty and needs cleaning – and then claiming the humble cucumber is Sir Galahad to your soiled sanctuary.
- Reality: There’s nothing inherently dirty about vaginas – They are what they are, and they got to where they are by way of a million or so years of relentless evolution. They’re not the foul, unsanitary sinkholes the inventors of the vaginal facial claim they are. Instead, they’re mostly self-cleaning, mostly have a well-thought-out scent designed by nature to get mojos rising and don’t really need large pieces of peeled fruit shoved up into them to set them right.
- Claim: The vaginal facial will help ward off STDs – The intellectual turnips that invented the vagina facial have taken PT Barnum’s maxim – “There’s a sucker born every minute” – to heart. In fact, they’re banking on it. And the proof is in their claim that a cucumber shoved into your lady business will provide you with a magic shield against chlamydia, syphilis, and HIV.
- Reality: No piece of fruit, however attractive and well-meaning it may be, is going to provide an effective barrier against STDs. Ever. – Nothing more really to say about that.
- Claim: It’s smart to take advice from poorly informed strangers – Because that’s exactly what you’re doing if you fall for the vaginal cucumber facial scam.
- Reality: It’s smart to ignore poorly informed strangers when it comes to medical issues – Don’t really think we need to elaborate much on this. If you want to stay alive and stay healthy, you won’t let castoffs from “Muncie’s Got Talent” advise you on important medical issues.
A Few More Reasons to Put the Cucumber Down and Back Away from the Counter:
“Cleaning” Your Vagina Will Often do More Harm Than Good
There’s a considerable stack of evidence out there which indicates that constantly introducing “cleansing” agents into your vagina is a bad idea. Steams, douches, aloe, colloidal silver, eye of newt and whatever else you find on the supermarket shelves often disrupt the hard-working bacteria and damage the sensitive lining of the vagina. Scouring your vagina of important natural defenses can wind up leaving you vulnerable to an array of bacterial and viral invaders.
Cucumbers are Dirty
Shortly before you decided it would be a good idea to shove that piece of fruit up inside you and root it around in there for 20 minutes it was lying in the dirt being shat upon by birds and crawled upon by innumerable bugs large and small. Now somehow it’s safe to insert into the most delicate cavity in your body? Really?
A Perforated Bladder is No Fun
If you’ve watched any of the videos that purport to instruct you in the ways of cucumber-induced vaginal health you’ll notice that the fruits your illustrious instructors are wielding are larger than anything you’ll ever have in your vagina under normal circumstances. Shoving such a large unyielding object into the vagina has actually been known to cause perforations of the bladder and stomach. Conditions that can only be described as both excruciating and life-threatening.
“Cleaning” your vagina with a cucumber is roughly akin to eating out of a trash bin. Sure you may survive it, but there’s also a chance you’ll introduce dangerous bacteria into your system, damage your body’s natural defense mechanisms and spend years trying to undo the damage you’ve done to yourself.